Friday, November 25, 2005

Keeping it real

Pretty much the essence of who I am is intense honesty and expression. I try to explain how I feel, often to my detriment. For example, tell people about your failures, and they may remember them forever. Tell people a weakness, and they may pounce on it with glee, or just assume you have a screw loose. I will not change, however, and become someone who shelters emotion or puts up a facade. Yes, I may attempt to no longer so easily wear my heart on my sleeve, but if I have learned anything in the last year of self-discovery, it is that I'm overall pleased with my own character. Do some things need work? Sure, everyone has problem areas. I have as much to work on as the next person, but I certainly do lead an ethical life, and I am thankfully not plagued with huge issues that some people have to deal with like drug addiction or abuse or whatever else. So I'm already ahead of the game. Anyway, I have chosen recently to blog about some personal issues, and the people involved in that discussion have taken it personally. I'm frankly shocked by it all, because I didn't think I came across rudely or that I threw a tantrum or that I was being selfish. Evidently there was more resentment going on than just in my own head, because my friend has chosen to wash her hands of me. Because I blogged about her? What's that all about? Why am I writing again? Because I encourage all of you to be forthright and open and upfront with your feelings. It's okay to voice opinions even if they differ. It's okay to be angry at times. It's okay to have questions. It's okay to believe in yourself. Too much stuffing emotion under the rug winds up in disease--of the body and of relationships. I have never ever intended for my comments to be game playing or barbs that wound. I always just wanted to have honest and special relationships with people. Sure, I make mistakes, and I thought I owned up to them. In the last two years, I have lost my father (he passed away), and my boyfriend (breaking up is its own form of death that requires mourning). Neither was my fault, and I tried to be the best I could possibly be to both of those people. I have no regrets. I lost another relationship prior to that that was dysfunctional but still so close to my heart, and I am thankful for it and all of its angles. The sum of all parts, however, still equals loss. Loss hangs off me like dodder, waiting to strangle. Now I lose my best friends. But, you know, I have gained insight into myself. I am comfortable with who I am and what I represent. That is a huge discovery. I feel awakened, and am therefore calm. I move forward, that's all one can do.


Blogger Claudia said...

somehow I doubt they were your best friend as IMHO best friends can take the truth. They will listen to your opinion, to your criticism and your advice, likewise. When they feel offended, you can talk it over. That's what friends do.
You're right, the most important thing is to respect ourselves (not to bend and comply with other's thoughts) and speak our minds.
Consider the people who'll stand by you when you feel like yourself your friends.

6:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You had me up until the sentence about losing the boyfriend and it was not your fault. I agree that your father's death was not your fault, but any other relationship has two sides to it, and seldom is one side at fault and the other completely not. The end of any relationship, just by its very nature, has two people involved. And if it ends, it still involves two people. Maybe your "fault" in it was choosing that person! Just something to think about. I'm not trying to pull you down, just giving you another angle to look at. I enjoy your blog very much and can identify with many of the things you have to say. Keep up the good work.

8:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would question how much they were your friends - friends take the good and the bad... & especially the honesty! I wouldn't want my friendships based upon lies... (or the need to tiptoe around "issues.")

Well written post... Very insiteful & for that I am grateful.

Amy - trying not to place blame or fault.... (but I'd love to know who put these extra pounds on my frame....)

7:17 AM  

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