Sunday, January 22, 2006

Current mood: angry

I'm not feeling particularly crafty, so I think I'll do some writing instead. Journaling, and blogging to a lesser degree, enables us to release pent up emotions. Better to feel it, express it, and let it go. There's only so much 'what does it matter', 'who cares what they say', etc before the area beneath your rug is full of dirt. You know? I used to have a roommate who took antidepressants. Her doctor would just randomly re-prescribe them, but never required her to seek counseling. How odd. I was really down over a break-up, and she said why didn't I just get some meds. Uh, because I want to FEEL it. How can I move past it if I don't move through it?
Okay, here's the deal today. I hate my job more than I can even express. Something has got to change, because I just can't continue to dread the moments there. My work performance, however, is always exemplary. Always. I am thorough, I am the epitome of excellent customer service, yada yada yada. At the same time, I am not a mindless mop who aimlessly follows direction. I tend to express myself. So I've made a few enemies in the management area. And when people don't like you, they want everyone else to not like you either. I don't know if every company is this way, but the whole control-oriented system can really do a number on your psyche. We are told when and where to take a break and for how long. We cannot chew gum, we cannot wear certain clothing, we are not supposed to talk to one another (or at least not noticeably). If we are more than three minutes late, it is noted. After a certain number of notations, there are verbal and written "write-ups". When we cashier, we are not allowed to step away from our floor mat. Need I go on? No wonder so many of these (often college graduates) adults can't think for themselves. But I digress.
One of my supervisors today was kind enough to tell me that management had expressed some concern that I wasn't doing a good job in a certain department. This pisses me off for several reasons. First, it's completely unwarranted. I seriously rock in that job. I've been there a long, long time, and I know what I'm doing. Period. But even worse, this manager not only expressed something that he should have said directly to my face, but he (or she, I don't know who it was) planted a seed of doubt in a supervisor(s) who believed in me. That's criminal. Back to the whole management control idea--it's a continual tearing down versus building up. I have stepped out of it and I can logically analyze their methods, but it still sucks. Couple that with having to stand on concrete for eight hours. My body hurts. HURTS. Couple that lovely tidbit with the fact that I had to work adjacent to an ex boyfriend today. He and I had a magic at one time, but one of the reasons he broke up with me, is because I'm white. "the blue-eyed girl who got the pony" is how he described me. Said I'd never understand being a "sufferah". Christ, I can't change that, I can't help my skin color (he's Hispanic), but I'm bright and can certainly empathize. When he and I went to Mexico together, women there just hated me. I mean, it was really obvious that a white girl was not accepted dating a dark brown boy. He said we were charged more for things because I was there (he has been going there annually for 15 years). And yeah, it's an eye opener. It's important. He made me read all about Malcolm X and Bob Marley, and wanted me to understand discrimination. Okay, I applaud that--learning is always important. But why then turn around and slap me down? Sigh. Will we ever live in a colorless society? And yeah, I can step out of the situation and look at my past relationship with him and see how he was controlling too. I watched him supervising today, and it was more a bossing around. And it dawned on me that he had worked me too. If I dried my hair straight, he'd take it personally (he liked it wavy). He'd make rude comments. He would build me up then slap me down. I don't want unhealthy relationships like that anymore. And I don't want an unhealthy work environment anymore either, I just don't know how to escape. Not yet anyway.


Anonymous aubrey1872 said...

How positively soul-killing. Lose the job. LOSE IT. You can't waste your creative energies working in such a Nazi state. You need to channel Norma Rae on this one.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Gina E. said...

One of my most admired Aussies said "Everything happens for a reason" - just before he lost an 'unloseable' election. He has since gone on to bigger and better things. So, keep looking for better (bigger is not ALWAYS better - take that whichever way you like!), and in the meantime, keep your self esteem intact. Your co-workers/managers obviously don't have much self-esteem, otherwise they would have more respect for others.

6:11 AM  
Blogger The Calico Cat said...

How horrible.... (How was the going back to school thing working? I heard you went to see a counselor - but everyone was "new" snice you had been there last...)

The worst part of your situation is the "seniority" that you have built up.... But it is a commodity job where the turn-over is high enough that they can "get away" with treating you like CR@P!
(I've been there - right down to the 8 hours on concrete.....)

Take care...

6:20 AM  

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